being yours

to say I was waiting for you is a fallacy. I didn't wait for you because I wasn't putting my focus on you. I was handling my own life and its grace — perhaps plus embracing some graves. with my own pace. with every soul I encounter. with every and each challenge to overpower.

to be with you again is not my priority number. I was hoping you’ll live the best life you could ever make. whatever path you take. with whomever, you give your sake. I was away from the poison in this already poisonous world.

because I always consider your presence precious (and of course, this sentence is not tendencious).

but I have to admit, I made my faux pas myself. back then I knew I couldn't hope to be your only one. so I shifted my going: to the person who can give me the experience of being loved. because I want to know how it feels to be loved loudly, certainly, undoubtedly. then I let go of you: gave you up.

it is not up to me, the arrangement. I accept my fate to reunite with you. in a better state. I guess how we handled our storms made our hearts re-strums. if your mother believes in God, she must've understood this is what we got.

maybe it was stored in my subconscious thought. maybe it still lingers me in no short: of wanting to know how it feels to be loved by you. loudly. certainly. proudly. and so I resonate my thoughts, never knowing that I get to manifest it. to make you befriend my storms. to have you not giving up throughout my thorns. to have you and your heart as a place where I belong. to imagine I’ll be the one who wears the white gown. to be with you in grins and frowns. to envision how we raise our first — or second-born. to be the dynamic duo handling how they grow. to soothe each other when we burn. to warm each other when we froze.

darling, I am no rose but I am preparing myself to rise. with you. hand in hand. so long as I am being yours. being in love with you is an immense blessing that I am proudly taking.

Jakarta,

2023